I began writing this post during a spectacular scenic car journey through the snow covered mountains of the Spanish Pyrenees, travelling from Baqueira/Beret towards my brother, John’s home near Toulouse. I hijacked John and his family’s annual ski trip 'again' and whilst l'm feeling physically ‘broken’ I have never felt soooooooo ALIVE.
I won’t kid you, I had thought myself a little mad (as did others) to venture on with my ski’s after only an 8 week period since my last chemo. The ski break was booked when the plan had been to finish chemo in October 2017, which would have given me more time to recover from it’s physical and emotional side effects and acclimatise to the ongoing effects of Herceptin and Pertuzumab.
It was in any case an act of sheer defiance in the face of the secondary breast cancer diagnosis, that I booked the flights in the first place. I knew that at the very least that I would be spending some quality time with my family and at the most that I would be enjoying some lovely ski runs with them… so it was always a win win situation for me, though enjoying some ski runs with my nieces was my ultimate goal and thankfully this is what indeed came to pass……
Having plans and making plans are affairs of mainstream daily living, and for me and those living with an incurable cancer diagnosis, crucial to managing the uncertainty of our situations. A secondary diagnosis can have a paralysing affect on ones mind in terms of making plans, whether they be short or long term ones. Early on in my primary diagnosis and then early on in my secondary diagnosis there were often times when I would falter in making plans in case I was, for example, not well enough. All relevant considerations for sure, but I found it suffocating to exist without plans and not having things to look forward seemed a bleak existence.
I regularly swing from a from a position of great caution when making plans to launching myself in a planning overdrive….I sometimes exhaust myself physically, emotionally and probably annoy the hell out of others with my over planning. This usually happens when I become frightened with uncertainty and try to cram in as many moments as I can, particularly with my loved ones. During these times I appreciate those that are in tune with the cramming thing and who encourage me along. I know I'm not about to ‘pop my clog’s’ anytime soon but taking a leisurely approach to planning feels 'at times' that I am taking things for granted and so that may explain the whirlwind that is ME!
As for Skiing, who knew if I would be able to cope with the physical demands of the activity or whether emotionally I would be able to engage with ‘the world’. Around Christmas time I was ready to hibernate permanently to Siberia and hide myself from life. I truly believe that having the skiing trip to look forward to with my family carried me through some real tough times.
My current treatment regime means that I experience aches in my bones and fatigue. This is my every day and my new normal. There is sometimes such a strong pull against participating in activities, even small daily activities and I thank god that I was blessed with a determined mind. I knew fitness and strength was going to be an issue after 6 months of Chemo and so I got myself a training coach, Matt to kickstart me into action and with some regained strength and confidence, I have been able to share some wonderful winter time fun with John, Susan and my awesome nieces ,Lucy , Alannah, Grace and Scarlett. I have had lots of help from them over the week long trip, and I have been glad of Susan’s Yoga training and our daily stretches.
I have pushed my body to the max and I have my self a cold sore, some colourful bruises, lost finger nails and a completely aching body (only if I move) to show in protest ….I will probably spend the next week recovering , though I would not change this for the world as I have thrived with every challenge. There will come a time where my determination and persistence will not be able to override the symptoms of cancer or treatment and so for now , If I can, I will and there shall no regrets.
