The first Oncology appointment and Quality Assuring!!

Steve and I met my oncologist, Professor Eldeeb, for the first time on 19th Decemeber 2014,and I signed the consent forms for the treatment plan.

We learnt that the echocardiogram raised no concerns and The Prof. was not concerned about the results of the bone scan or the CT scan.

I left the appointment feeling confident that I was in good hands, although I sensed that he didn’t fully understand my need to have as much information as possible, preferring that I focus on the present issues at hand. Steve seems to relate more to this approach, and whilst I understand that my focus has to be on the ‘now’, I get unsettled by unanswered questions and so I appreciated the answers about genetic testing, CT results and my prognosis.

So, I now know;

The Prof. was not concerned about the results about the bone scan and whilst relieved that the cancer does not appear to have spread, The Prof. appeared to dismiss my question about what Dr Salsbury had said about the scan picking something else up ... I had not thought to challenge this at the time as I really do feel I'm safe hands .. however having two professionals saying different things means this matter is unresolved for me...So not a concern for The Prof. but something I will look further into!

Genetic testing is not a priority in terms of my treatment at the moment, and I was advised that I will need to seek this via my GP. Not a priority in terms of my treatment may be but a priority for me in terms of my family and I will be making an appointment with my GP in the new year. There is history of breast cancer in my maternal family. My Nana, Aunt and a second cousin have had breast cancer. My Cousin died from the disease.

The Prof is aware of the adnexal cyst (?) picked up in my CT scan, but he told me that it wasn't a priority in terms of my treatment…But a priority for me in terms of piece of mind …I had already spoken with the GP about this and an ultrasound scan is already booked in on 8.1.14. The Prof was happy that I continue with this appointment.

The prognosis….After satisfying himself that I really did want to know, The Prof. keyed in my cancer details into a prognosis tool on his PC . We were ‘initially’ told that with treatment, my prognosis at 5 years is over 90% survival and at 10 years is 70%.

Steve and I looked ‘smug’ at each other and I was well satisfied and relieved given the Nottingham prognostic tool results!!!

The scene that followed, however wiped the ‘smugness’ from the both of us… As Steve and I made comments of relief to each other, we could see that The Prof. became distracted and his face ‘dropped' as he told us that he had forgotten to key in some important details in the prognostic tool……

The Prof. duly explained that with the addition of the missing details; My prognosis at 5 years is 65% survival and at 10 years is 30%.....

Worry not say I …knowing ones odds, means knowing what odds one needs to defy…

Having a prognosis may not be helpful or appropriate for some and I wouldn’t recommend that it is sought without serious thought before hand. I knew that with my level of self awareness that my prognosis was going to be of help to me, after all knowledge is power! Steve has been very supportive in my decision to seek a prognosis; however he, himself would not choose to know. Danny, a little like me, told me that he would prefer to know.

Prognosis for me means empowerment and opportunity. I am not preoccupied with the percentages given to me and I remain robust in my determination, however the reality is that I am facing a potentially life limiting disease and I chose to take control and ‘quality assure’(QA) my life .

Those in my ‘social work’ world understand the concept of ‘QA’… an opportunity to take audit, checking in on whether you are making a difference and getting a grip if you are not!!

I remember at the age of 14 when I spent the summer in Spain at ‘English Summer’ with my paternal family. I was having the time of my life and did not know that my mother was dying when I left for Spain. I’m told that my mother didn’t know she was dying either.

Some of my last memories of my mother were laced with 14 year old anger and ‘stroppiness’ as she had not been responding to my letters (no mobile phones and emails then!!) As a 14 year old I thought that she simply didn’t care, where in fact she was too ill to write. I never saw her alive again and we never got to say good bye. I remember being tormented with guilt and regret for a long time and to a certain extent some of the guilt has never really left me.

I believe that had I known she was dying, or had she had known, there would have been opportunities on both parts that might have made a difference to each other. I’m of course not planning on going anywhere for a long time, but the point is, because of what I know there isn't going to be any regrets in my life. This will mean prioritising the important things in life like spending time and memory making with loved ones.

There are of course no guarantees for anyone and I wouldn't recommend that you wait for your own wake up call...It may be too late ....So my lovely family and friends ... Get 'quality assuring' yourselves!!!

Booby 'gush'!

Following the bone scan on 13th December, I had a few days to be honest where the pending results were playing on my mind. It was the not knowing that preoccupied me, I just wanted to get on with what ever I had to deal with.

This was certainly a period of reflection and those that know me the best would have seen some signs that I was having a wobble, but otherwise It was business as usual...until Sunday (15.12.14) that is!

The wound under my boob decided to give, and ALL of the fluid that was causing the swelling gushed out ..... In public! I was soaked right through to my coat and Jeans ..... I remained calm and composed as Steve's children and a friend were with us, but I wish I hadn't as Steve had not appreciated fully what had happened and announced jovially that Suzanne's booby had exploded!! ...

Anyway, following a trip to out of hours clinic (where they had no dressings!!!) they sent me to A&E (what an experience) and I left at 11.30pm with a 'deflated' leaking booby, dressings and a prescription for antibiotics.

Because of those events, I attended the breast clinic for a check up on the Monday (16.12.13). Marion, a breast care nurse attended to me and after initial inspection she brought in Dr Salisbury who removed a clip from INSIDE my wound. It seems the clip had been working its way out of my body and may have contributed to the 'gush'.

Apparently the clips are used as markers for radio therapy treatment and I have several.

Marion had also chased my bone scan results and whilst the full results were not in, Dr S. told me that there were NO signs that the cancer has spread to my bones! The scans have picked up something that is probably related to age (!) which will be explored further.

My wound was dressed with a 'bag' to collect any further fluid. The other dressings were just not coping with the amount of fluid I was loosing. This immediately felt so much more comfortable than the dressings and the towel I was having to wrap around myself to absorb the fluid!

At that appointment I asked Marion to take over as my breast care nurse. This was for no other reason than Marion seems to have been there (covering for Annie) during key appointments and the surgery and I have built a rapport with her . She is also highly efficient! Marion called me soon after my appointment to tell me that she had sorted the oncologist appointment for Thursday 19th December. YAY!

so... with Steve on an overnight trip, I spent Monday hibernating at home. X

Wonky boobs and update

My next round of appointments have come through and I'm closer to knowing how 2014 is going to begin for us!

My bone scan is booked for Friday 13th December.. Lets just hope the day doesn't jinx the results!!

My echocardiogram is booked for 19th December .

I'm still waiting for my first oncologist appointment and hope this will be before the new year. It is the oncologist that will take me on the next step of the cancer thrashing mission! I will also find out dates for my first chemotherapy session.

I have also realised that I have rather neglected to mention my ' perfect boob' for quite some time.... well ..... With the poorly one being quite large (swelling)and more pert than it has ever been (temporary implant) the perfect one is in fact feeling a little inadequate!! It's only consolation of course is that a nipple sits in pride of place!!

So .. with the increased swelling in my poorly boob and some leaking of lymph fluid from my wounds ... I had a booby check up with Mr Dawson on 12th December ! Mr D duly recommended that if I could , to bear with the symptoms as to drain the fluid could cause infection and complications ... So on I soldier on with wonky uncomfortable boobs!

Annie the breast care nurse also told me not to panic if the fluid leaks out in a gush from the little wound under my breast !! .. Apparently I have over a pint of fluid there.. Lets hope there's no gushing!

A booby brunch and the CT scan

After a morning stroll to the new Wootton Waitrose last Thursday (28th November) the lovely Gilly Bean and baby George visited for a 'waitrose' continental breakfast!Being 30 has not stopped Gill playing with her food.....She replaced the raisins on the Danish pastry to make the pastry look like boobs!! Quite apt I think, but not good role modelling for George .. Lol!!!

Thank you Gill, baby George and all of my family and friends for their visits and well wishes , which has been such welcome distraction to this 'being ill lark!' Im really not used to being 'limited' by sickness (if that makes sense) and emotionally I have every feeling from feeling guilty for not being at work to feeling a burden on family and friends.

I'm generally feeling upbeat, however it can feel frustrating to get to the point of tears on occasions, for no particular reason! I actually cried (a little!!) on the way back from Waitrose, when I felt overwhelmed by the beauty of nature, as I saw a squirrel scamping past me and up a tree that was in the last throws of autumn colour.It seemed like all my senses had woken up after a long time and thrust upon me this rush of adrenaline through my body!

I'm not sure I fully appreciated how consumed by work I had been until this diagnosis has forced me to stop and tune back into life!

I'm also doing some quite bizarre things, such as tidying away the fairy liquid in the fridge and fresh orange juice in the cup/ coffee cupboard and I try to explain to others that this is because I'm distracted by the 'pesky cell'...I really can't get away with this with certain people such as Danny and Gill, who remind me, whilst laughing , that I'm a little ditzy at the best of times....so I can't use that as an excuse!

Physically; its not as bad as I thought it was going to be after the operation and I'm ok with the physical aspect of it all. There is just a general feeling of 'uncomfortableness' since the operation, particularly at bed time where I can't sleep in my usual position! I also have the most annoying 'numb sensitive pain' under the length of my left arm and occasional piercing pain where my scars are healing .

So.... After lots of baby talk with Baby George and a hair straightening session thanks to Gill.... I was well ready and beautified for the CT scan in the afternoon. With Steve by my side at NGH, I took the required fluids over an hour period before a 3 minute CT scan procedure.This was great opportunity to start the book that my DD's gifted me... Hunger Games..... and I became hooked immediately!

I will learn the results of the CT scan on Thursday 5th December, along with all of the other test results from my operation.

Post operative diagnosis and results.

I received my results on 5th December 2013…Apart from focussing on some great memory making moments on and around my birthday, the time leading up to this felt a little surreal in which I spent some time ‘researching’ and developing some educated guesses about the results I was to receive.

I wanted, no, needed to be prepared for the news, and ‘in control’ . My educated guesses were preparing me for an aggressive cancer with a poor prognosis, however because I am not a medical professional I was more than happy not to be right….just this once!

I went to NGH ‘armed’ with Danny and Steve. Thankfully Steve recovered quickly from a car park melt down and from general clinic tardiness, so we all sat eagerly whilst Mr Dawson gave us the news.

Firstly the good news; ,Mr Dawson explained that the cancer was widespread in my breast with several focal points, however it had been removed with clear margins and I was told that my CT scan was clear.

It was through further questioning and Mr Dawson’s patience that I gained more information. This is the first time that I have felt that this ‘was about me’ and not that I was just another patient in a system/procedure. Mr Dawson gave me the time I needed to understand what was a head of me. As agreed , Mr Dawson also sent me all ofthe written information so far.

So….. my official diagnosis is: T3 N2 Grade III micro-papillary carcinoma. In other words ‘a large high grade cancer with substantial axillary spread’.

12 of the 14 lymph nodes that were removed were affected. My results also identified that my cancer is ER , PR and Her2 positive.

With this information, the multi disciplinary team came up with a treatment plan involving;

a bone scan
an echocardiogram
6 cycles of Chemo
5 Weeks of Radio therapy
1 year of Herceptin
5 years of hormone therapy

And a partridge in a pear tree!

Unfortunately my educated guess is now a reality. Mr Dawson seems to understand my need to have as much information as possible. He gave me a copy of the histology report during the consultation.

I asked about my prognosis. My cancer has been removed and the Chemo will terminate the cancer cells that are currently cruising around my body seeking to survive. However, I’m realistic that there are several risk factors at play here , that make the chance of reoccurrence high. So my prognosis…

Mr Dawson explained that the oncologist would go through this with me, as there is diagnostic tool used to calculate prognosis based on statistics called the Nottingham prognostic index … satisfied with this, I left the appointment, but having read the histology report when I got home, I noted that the index score of 6.7 is listed on there.

Google has helped me interpreted this to be a 50% chance of survival at 5 years. I will of course need the oncologist to talk this through with me, however in the meantime I have placed my self firmly in that 50% that will survive over and beyond….after all there is the hope that there will be grandchildren to spoil in my future!! (I will of course get told off for that comment!)

Like me, Danny is keen to know as much information; however Steve is not so sure. Even though the cancer is out and chemo will destroy all the current cancer cells, I'm not sure Steve fully understood that there could be long term implications.


Whilst at the appointment, my breast was examined. My wounds are healing very well, however I’d been experiencing tightness an uncomfortable swelling for a number of days. My poorly breast is noticeably swollen, and it seems that if the lymph fluid does not absorb into my body naturally, I will have to have it syringed out, so here’s hoping nature kicks in and sorts that out!

Since receiving the results, I remain steadfast in my determination, although I have felt somewhat ‘flat’, forgetful and distracted. My family and friends have been fab!

So many people have reached out to me. A ‘friend of friend’ Kathy, from Boston, USA, gifted me a ‘pink’ prayer book and a ‘fight like a girl’ T-Shirt!.. I never met this lady, but I can’t believe how much strength I have drawn from such a kind act… it’s as if she knew what I needed….. as if she just knows?!! A great role model!

Memory making and 14 year old me!

Memory making and 14 year old me!

... The 2nd December!! My 41st birthday...

I've been a little pre occupied with other things to bother much with my birthday on the run up to it, but as usual I was spoilt by those around me never the less .

I spent a glorious day in London the day before with Steve and the kids , lol (Danny and Becky). I was Spoilt with time and memory making !! Thank you my special ones xxx

Today, the 3rd December, is the 27th anniversary of my father's death . Thoughts of daughterly love are always with him and particularly on this day.

This year feels different...I have cancer and I need him ... Like my 'squirrel ' encounter my senses are magnified and I'm taken back to '14 year old me' and the intense loss I felt at the age when I lost him.

There are a few private tears from the '14 year old me' today; and now I carry on with the strength and fortitude he gifted me and the love he left behind .

A pair of 'perfect' boobs!!

Today, I ventured out and walked 3 miles to Far Cotton  to visit Joanne, the lady I met at the hospital!  Joanne's sister was also there and we all spoke non stop for over 3 hours!!!

We exchanged 'stories'... and it seems Joanne was also diagnosed with an 'Occult' Cancer. After what I had read about 'Occult' Cancer, I was surprised to meet someone with the same presentation.  

Joanne was diagnosed in July and had chemotherapy before her operation, so she was able to tell me about what to expect... The little important things and tips that will help me keep one step a head and make a difference .... Such as;  what to expect at chemo appointments, district nurse visits, the need to have a calendar, hair loss and wigs!!

I soon learnt that Joanne, my 'booby buddy' has the same positive outlook as I do and more significantly, because Joanne had the right breast removed and I had the left one removed we figured out that between us; we have a pair of 'perfect boobs'!!

The day after...

I was discharged from hospital about 12 noon the next day,  after being shown how to empty my drain. I was keen to get home to Steve and familiar surroundings. I had spent the night drifting in and out of sleep and being woken every hour initially, then every 2 hours by nurses checking my blood pressure. My blood pressure was low and causing a little concern.

Judging by the patient next to me, who had been vomiting most of the night, I came off lightly in terms of the effects of the  anaesthetic. I experienced  sickness sensations for most of the first day but other than that I was quite lucky!

I later recognised the woman that had been vomiting as someone I had seen in pre op clinic, a week before and we chatted and exchanged numbers before Steve picked me up! She had been diagnosed in July and  had chemo before her operation. She had lost her hair and seemed so strong. When she told me that she was raising her children alone through this, I knew why.  I'm thankful that Danny is grown and not experiencing this as a young child.... Having him so young was clearly meant to be x(I'm sure Aunty May wouldn't agree!)

Danny came to visit for his tea after work and It was nice that I had both my boys for the evening! It was great  seeing the banter between them and so reassuring that they get on so well.

So .... with the operation all done with ....My thoughts took me back to this time last year.....On the 23rd November 2012, I had my 40th birthday Party! This was the start of an amazing year...up until recently that is! The best thing that came from my party (besides an excellent cake - thanks Jo Jo) was the beginning of Nick and Debby's lovely relationship.

Family and friends, old and new made my party such a memorable occasion .... Lucy, my niece taught me the Gang nan style dance too!! Shortly after the party, Steve whisked me away on a surprise holiday to Mauritius where I spent my 40th birthday. Steve also proposed on the plane on the way whilst flying over Italy!

                                                  
            Look what we came home from Mauritius to!!    Thanks Jo and Franco xx

We spent New Year in Berlin, with our friends Jo and Franco .... The highlight being ; watching  Steve and Franco clinging on to dear life on the Ferris wheel , whilst Jo and I, thought it would be funny to rock the carriage!!

At work, I started an 'acting up position' as a Service Manager  in January  2013. My brother, John said I have always been good at acting up!!!  I thoroughly enjoyed the role, although maintaining a work life balance was a struggle after our Ofsted inspection in February!  I applied for the role permanently and even had an interview lined up for 31st October, however because of the diagnosis I withdrew.

Steve and I had a Brilliant ski holiday to Flaine  in the March.  I really need to get back on those slopes as Steve keeps gloating that he beat me by a fraction when we raced down the mountain. I reached 77.1 KMH!! It felt amazing!

On 12th April, My 'great niece' Sienna was born as was the delicious baby George.

                          Great Aunty Suzanne and Sienna.

On May the 10th it was Steve's 40th birthday and we went to Tuscany, with Jo and Franco on a surprise trip to celebrate his birthday. We stayed in Lucca , visited Cinque Terre, Pisa and Florence.

                            Steve and his children, Elise and Max

 The event of  the year however for me was Danny's wedding on the 8th August. The lead up to the day was amazing...The effect of Becky's excitement was like being permanently on red bull !! The day it self could not have gone any better. Danny and Becky looked great and more importantly they looked so happy together. It all felt so right!  Every time I am around them, I feel there is something just so special and unique between them. When I think back on 'life's challenges'; this day for me has
made it all worthwhile. It was the single most special day of my life! My son has met someone that loves him so much and seeing him so happy with her is truly the most satisfying thing I have ever felt.

Danny and Becky on their Wedding Day

 I had a charmed year and even though I know we have challenging times a head, my aim is to make the most of every opportunity this year, starting with tomorrow, the 26th November! You see ...4 years ago tomorrow I met Steve, aka pant man!! LYS!

I also have my birthday trip to London on the 1st December to look forward to with Steve, Danny & Becky,  and a new year mini break to Budapest !!

Lucky me...I say x x

Operation Boob!

The day of my operation was on the  20th November, but first and foremost this was my 'great nieces'  4th birthday.....Happy birthday Teagan xx (picture to follow!!)

So....after getting to NHG at 7.30 am and a delayed hospital admission, I had my operation about 1pm..... Steve was with me all the way up until this point, and he kept me from slipping into any state a dread and gloom;

During an initial meeting with Dr. Salisbury, I could see Steve try to stifle a burst of silent giggles as she wrote the procedure I was to have on my breast and put an arrow pointing to my left breast (that looked like a smiley face)...I'm not sure what he was laughing at, but Steve's 'silent' giggles are quite infectious at the best if times, and I joined him as usual....our giggles were of course slightly different this time......as we looked at each other,  it was clear from his eyes that they were laced with worry and concern.

                                             The smiley face on my boob !

When I finally was admitted about 11.00...Steve was initially reluctant to accept a drink from the Nurse in sympathy for me as I was 'nil by mouth'.......having been convinced, Steve eventually accepted the Nurses kind offer and asked for a 'Stella' .......This was followed by a bellow of laughter from the Nurse!!! Steve's comedy timing is impeccable!

Any feelings of 'dread' arrived only after the visit from the  anaesthetist as it was a stage  closer.  I was so grateful for Steve, who with his humour and 'tenderness' throughout this day prevented me from being overcome and paralysed by the seriousness of it all .LYS x

It took me a while to come around after the operation . I remember ripping out my cannula in recovery and the nurses gossiping about people in whispers right next to me!!!! WTH!

I was taken back to the day surgery ward as there were no beds on the main wards for me ... The Nurses and health care assistance were just fab!

I must say I wasn't prepared when I looked under my gown and saw that there wasn't a dressing over the scar. There it was .... My new left nippleless boob, with a scar that looked like a draw string purse!! I was on my own at this point and felt a little 'lost' to be honest!

Steve , Danny, Becky and a new 'boofle' came to visit me and my new boob! I was really looking forward to their visit and was so frustrated that I couldn't stay awake to chat to them for long, but can remember so much love oooozing from them (thank you DD's)

My new Boofle... thank you Mr and Mrs G!!

Dr Salisbury undertook her post operative rounds, and we heard her go from bed to bed explaining exactly the same thing to each patient!!  Words to the effect of 'every thing went as planned, we are really pleased and we didn't find anything we didn't expect to!! So it wasn't a surprise when she said the same when she got to me .....and then  said the same to the next patient!

Dr Salisbury is the one who seemed so confident at my initial breast clinic appointment 'that there was likely nothing to be concerned about'.... So her words after the op were really not that reasurring or comforting.

I was wise not to be reassured; I later found out through my 'own' discovery and questions, that  I had another 2-3 inch scar near my arm pit (later described by Mr Dawson as a 'mistake ' caused by a burn from the inside during the procedure) and that the implant that they put in was smaller than what was taken out!! Details, Details but important to me!!

Mr Dawson also saw me after the op and I was pleased that his 'people skills' were more developed and more comforting,  but I feel frustrated that it was through my questions that I got told things, even such a thing as I have an extra scar from a mistake!!! All I would say to others is just ask,ask and ask questions!!!

Mr Dawson, again when prompted, also told me that he had removed a number of  suspicious hard lymphnodes, some that were 'almost getting there' and others because they were in the area!

By all accounts ,Dr Salisbury comes with a lot of medical professional respect, and I'm probably in good hands, but the 'under developed people skills'  does undermine my confidence in her!!!

Inspiration

My blog, as of 8.30pm on 19.11.13 has had 4238 hits!!! That is truly spectacular !!   I had no idea that the blog would be so popular and I had under estimated the effect that it would have. I have had some great feedback and more importantly I have had friends and acquaintances in box me to share their 'inspirational' personal stories about cancer!

I felt a little bit of a fraud when I first received feedback about how inspirational, strong, courageous and 'amazing' I was. I did not feel I was any of these things!!... I just felt 'I am just me'........ however in  reflecting on all of this feedback , I now 'get 'why my story is having such an effect on people ....

.... This is much wider than 'me' .... This could be anyone's story.... If we pause a moment from our busy lives and look around us, there will be someone we know that is or has been affected by cancer in some way. I was reminded of this by L.H, someone I have never met that commented on a FB post about her mothers story. (Thank you L.H)

An old friend also shared her story about breast cancer that she fought privately with strength. You may not even know that some people around you are going though this pain.

I see that my strength and determination has accumulated through the trials and tribulations of my life and also because of the strength shown by my family and friends through their own stories!

There are just simply too many of my own inspirational people to mention;

My Son, has given me the most precious thing of all , unconditional love, from the moment he was born. I'm slightly biased , but Danny is just one of those charmed people that always brings out the best in people!

My parents have given me strength and fortitude, through their own battles with cancer and their premature deaths. They have given me some amazing brothers that have had their own stories of strength and  courage.

My darling friend Melonie, believed in me and was a rock when I was working my way through university and single parenthood!!

My gorgeous friend Viv. Through her own illness she has shown me how it should be done!!

So what is it all about? ........Having come face to face with my own mortality, I see that if there is any purpose to all of this for me, that it is to share my stregnth and be inspirational,  in exactly the same way that everyone that has faced cancer has done!!!

I am excited by this purpose.......a life trully worth living!

'Titty'-vating tittle tattle...!!!

The booby party arrived along with many puns, gags and friendship...

Is eagerly awaiting. . . . . . .to hang the tassel on the titty!!!!
Xxxx. From Viv Xxxx

To the most breast-tastic, boob-a-licious, busty and beautiful suzanne! Your a very strong woman that will kick cancer in the naughty boob!! All my love Jess xxxxxxxx

Was boobie trapped into drinking so much wine. You're knockers looked great, by the way. All the breast, Bex :) xxxxx

Bye bye booby, booby bye bye - I will be reading the blog to  keep me abreast of things.
Loads of love to you and your perfect boob. Debbie xoxo

(Sung) It's all about boobs, it's all about boobs baby! So glad I didn't win the 'booby' prize! Such titty-vating conversation and well wrapped presents too of course! Being surrounded by so much love, friendship and humour has been truly inspirational. MD your positive approach and determination is brilliant motivation. Love you B XxXxXxX

Suzanne you are totally tit-tastic and boobie-licious !!!! Being able to find so much humour is titally inspiring and if all it takes is your positive energy to get you through then you will beat the pesky C no problem !!! Loads a love and hugs - Jan x x x x x x x x x

What a fab afternoon with an inspirational woman and lots of wonderful friends. Playing pin the nipple on the booby! Wrapping her Xmas pressies ( talk about taking advantage of people! ) and drinking lots of champagne. Let them eat cake she said...... So we did! The perfect boob will never be
 alone with all these friends sharing their love. Xxxxx

Bye Bye Boobie...

When my fab Mum in law asked me if I would write a post about today I suddenly panicked and hoped I would get it right...so here goes!

Today has been a day about doing and there is so much we have done! Productive, busy and a real eye opener. Firstly our main priority was bra shopping, no underwire the doctor said...the hunt was on! It's funny how used to something you can become, even something as small as the wire in your bra: but until you're NOT looking for it you simply don't realise. Fortunately there are a wide selection of non wired bras out there, but none seemed 'right' in one way or another and for something like this we needed to get it spot on. After quite a hunt and a near miss of destroying a whole rack of displayed bras (oops - well saved MD!) we finally found some!! Did you know 'Post Surgery' bras even existed?  Well they do and being especially designed for women who have had surgery they were perfect. Although Suzanne asking the woman about sports bras was quite amusing, we think the (very helpful but concerned) woman thought Suzanne was off to run a race after her op!!

Following our busy and successful morning of shopping we came home to prepare for the eagerly awaited booby party; pin the nipple on the booby (yes really) along with Christmas wrapping. We were soon surrounded by some of Suzanne's friends; a champagne toast was most definitely in order, for friendship, support (underwired or not ;-)) and most importantly my mum in laws bravery and brilliant determination towards this vicious cell.

The pressure of my Christmas wrapping being judged was a bit intense at times (big lol!) but the boob jokes flowed, as did the wine and we really had a successful evening. Once everything was done and the bows, ribbon and scissors were packed away I looked across at my mum in law and realised just how amazing she is; Suzanne you truly are an inspiration and I couldn't be prouder to all you my family. Now let's get ready for this fight!

All my love, Becky xxx

"...Do your worst, for I will do mine........"

The title of this post is part of a quote from one of my favourite films; The Count of Monte Cristo and is quite fitting as my response to 'the wobble' I had today (13.11.13).

                                                                           
(I'm sure this isn't the original source, as Winston Churchill used a similar quote in one of his war speeches)

The wobble

On 11th November I went to NGH (Northampton General Hospital) for a pre op discussion with Mr D and to sign medical consent.  No new information was shared although Steve heavily questioned Mr D about the delay between surgery and the Chemo treatment. Steve asked Mr D whether he would be satisfied with this delay if it was his wife that we were talking about and  he seemed satisfied by Mr D's insistence that this was the right treatment for me.

I decided to have the pre op tests after the appointment with Mr D and I was given my medical notes to take to the pre op department. Whilst Steve was navigating the way, I was flicking though the notes along the way, only pausing for Steve to take pictures, using his phone , of any  words/sentences that were new to me so I could research later!! Im sure it all looked quite farcical!

I didn't get around to my 'research' for 2 day's and when I did, I was particularly drawn to words in a sentence fom the biopsy results;

"These breast needle core biopsies show lymphatic channels containing ductal carcinoma of micropapillary morphology."

I used the following website to learn what these words meant and my 'wobble' began.

http://www.breast-cancer.ca/type/micropapillary-breast-carcinoma.htm


Mr D was not available the next day and I spoke to Annie (Breast Care Nurse) about what I had found and I told her that I had a 'wobble'. Annie told me that this was only a part of the information needed to work out what is going on and should not be seen in isolation . She explained that more information will be known after surgery and tests....and so be it!

More information will be known two weeks after my surgery .I am also having a CT Scan on 28th November of my chest,abdomen and pelvis. All of this will tell us of the type, the stage and grade of the cancer and inform the treatment pathway.

The full quote

“life is a storm, you’ll bask in the sunlight one moment, be shattered on the rocks the next. What 
makes you a 'man' is what you do when the storm comes. You must look into that storm and shout,

            "Do your worst, for I will do mine!”

                    

The treatment plan

I left the appointment on 31st October, knowing that occult cancer was rare and knowing that what ever the results of the biopsy, I was facing a treatment plan involving some sort surgery, radio therapy and chemotherapy!

Mr Dawson had spent a lot of time answering questions, so I was well prepared for the results on 4th November. I also made friends with Dr Google and did a little research!

Both Danny and Steve came with me to that appointment and both looked dapper in their work suits!! True to form , Steve got us to NGH at 11.10am for a 12 o'clock appointment! To be fair we had been told to get there early.... however we were not seen until 12.30!!!

Steve and Serge looking dapper!

So......I was told that cancer cells were found in two of the biopsies taken. Because Dr D, had taken the time to answer questions at the last appointment, hearing the proposed treatment plan was not a shock.

I am now booked in for a 'left mastectomy, axilary clearance and temporary insertion of an implant ' on 20th November .

Chemotherapy will start in the New year and this time next year I will undergo reconstructive surgery.

A long and eventful journey ahead of us... But with 'the ducks all lined up'  I'm feeling as determined as ever!!

'Sketch' of the day!

Scene:At the breast clinic NGH (Northampton General hospital) on 11.11.13.

Characters:Me, Steve and Annie, (breast care nurse)

ME:On the day of the operation can people come with me to hospital ?

ANNIE:Yes , someone can sit with you before and they can leave as the procedure may take up to 3 hours . They can then return.

STEVE: or I could send a taxi!!

ANNIE:'shocked face'

ME: (laughing) - tried to reassure Annie that he was joking!!

STEVE: goes bright red also tries to convince Annie he was joking , looking as if he is in trouble!!

ANNIE: 'appeared relieved' and we all left the room laughing !!

Spreading the news!

This post has been written by Lucy Pover age 9 and Alannah Pover age 7. We are the neat nieces of suzanne. we will be telling you how we felt when she released the 'New News'.
Alannah:We were watching TV and then mum said that suzanne had cancer in her boob! I was shocked i thought that 'what if the surgery went wrong!' i was worried.
Lucy: we just finished a movie.  The movie was diary of the wimpy kid.  Then my mum  said she was going to talk like a grown up to me and she said the news very slowly and said i can ask how many questions as i want.  When she finished i felt sad for suzanne  but i saw she was happy so i turned my frown upside down.  I was scared too so i did what mum said i asked lot of questions such as how do you get cancer, when did you get the news and what if you don't lose your hair.

To suzanne i hope you the best of luck and be brave we are all here for you if you need anything we are  here for you. LOVE YOU SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO SO MUCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
   Love lucy , alannah, grace. scarlett and susan+john.

The MRI, The Results and The 'Occult'

Apart from the 3 painful attempts at inserting a cannula, the coughing fit during the procedure and the a newly acquired  empathy for lab rats the MRI procedure was pretty unremarkable!!!

The result however was a different story!  Accompanied by Steve, Danny and Becky, we out-numbered the staff in a tiny little room.  Mr Dawson promptly told us that The MRI scan found no sign of the primary cancer and that I had an 'Occult Cancer'....In other words a hidden cancer and quite apt that this was diagnosed on Halloween!

More tests of the original biopsy identified that Oestrogen was feeding the cancer . Whilst the primary cancer could not be found and because of the symptoms, Mr Dawson's view was that the cancer was in the breast.  Further scans are scheduled of the ovaries and other areas to see what else may be going on.

Biopsies were taken of my breast that day and I was relieved that I would only have to wait for 4 days for the results. 

I'm very proud of my high pain threshold....{clenching teeth!!!!}... however the pain since the biopsy and the colourful  bruising to my nipple and under breasts certainly pushes this to the limit.....!!!

Breast Cancer Charity Ball

Breast Cancer Charity Ball October 2013 

Presenting from left to right; Richard & Dawn, Steve & Suzanne, Marc & Becky and Jo & Franco.

Results day -1

The days leading up to the results day on 24th  October were spent ; feeling somewhat relieved but daft for the 'the self diagnosis' !!!  I had officially fallen out with 'Dr Google' ..... Steve and I returned to 'normality' at home and at work ....

The hugest sense of relief I felt was because my  'epic' son , Danny and  'amazing' daughter in law , Becky were not going to have  to deal with a sick 'MD' ( mother dumpling) during their first year of marriage!!

The whole  period  had also shown me a side of Steve that had not known...A true rock ! Needless to say we both had a lot to reflect on and we both agreed that what had happened so far had put a lot into perspective !!

Steve and I felt   so confident about the results day , that I had questioned whether he needed to go with me to the appointment... Of course he said  'I'm going' !!  ((((RAAAARRR!))) We both left for work that Morning and he picked me up from work as planned .... I left my computer on and left my desk in a complete mess (as usual)  expecting  to be right back.  I had even arranged to meet Gilly bean and baby George for lunch !!

In true Steve fashion he promptly got us to NGH..... But it took about 30 minutes to find a parking space .... Those that know Steve will know he would have allowed plenty of time to account for this,  but those that know him even better would  also  understand when I say that this wound him up to the point of  an internal combustion!!

We sat in the waiting area , both not fully appreciating what we were about to hear ....Steve , still with  'steam coming from his ears' was pre occupied with google and working out how much it would cost and how much he would make if he built a car park near the hospital!  I was pre occupied with plans
to book the holiday we had delayed in booking  because of the appointments  !!!

So..... Having  been called through , Mr Dawson my  consultant, duly told me .... after what seemed a protracted preamble ...that 'it wasn't good news'.....that cancer cells had been found .

My initial thought's were of helplessness and my first tears were for Danny and Becky who were going to have to go through this with me during their first year of marriage .... ( obviously , having been castigated by Danny for even thinking this , I have been banned from repeating this !!!... Oops!!!)

My next thought was of regret  for what Steve would have to deal with. I'm not sure I have ever seen him look as helpless as he did that day! LYS x

Then my thoughts wandered  towards my mum, Rosie who died from cervical cancer when she was
44.... Whilst paralysed with my news ... I could already feel the determination sweep over me that I would live beyond that age and that I would thrash the cancer with full force!

So..... To bring you up to speed

I first noticed changes in my breasts in September during a mini break to Marrakesh with Susan , my sister in law. To be honest , It was the time of the month and thought I had just put on weight and made a note to my self to get my ass to the gym when I returned home.

The changes became More distinct as the week went on ... With my left breast looking larger than the right, feeling heavier and noticing thickening on the skin ..... Having made a prompt call to my reliable 'nursey' friend , Darrell , I was reassured and having made an appointment , I went to see the GP who referred me to NGH Breast clinic.

I call the 2week period between the GP and NGH appointment my 'whittling'weeks ... Steve was an absolute superstar ... We could both see something wasn't right and we went through these 2 weeks in a daze.... We were not helped by 'Dr Google'... Because I did not have a lump , I 'self diagnosed' , with 'Dr Googles' assistance , the worst possible breast cancer and even went as far as planning my funeral!!!... I confided this self diagnosis/fear' with a few people and whilst our fears remained ,I was able to rationalise (with the help of friends ) and I thought given the stats and my family history , I would not be so unlucky as to have Cancer!!

Ironically Steve and I went to the Breast Cancer Charity Ball during 'Whittling week' with our friends...seeing the strength of the women affected by breast cancer there, was very comforting to us both in the sence that we would not be alone if the worst came to the worst!!

So... At the breast clinic on 21st October 2013, I was examined by a Dr and she surely could see the changes, and having told her what I was experiencing , she seemed confident that I had fibrocystic disease...FINALLY we had a name for what I was experiencing !!!... And before we even got out of the first examination room , Steve was consulting Dr Google on his phone ... whilst waiting for the next procedure (mammogram) we both were feeling relieved and reassured !!

The mammogram was pretty uneventful albeit painful and by all accounts nothing significant was found . There was however something that they wanted to check out on via an ultra sound scan. The ultra sound scan showed the thickening of the skin and I was advised this could be a reaction to an infection. The scan also showed a slightly enlarged lymphnode and whilst 'within in normal limits' a biopsy was taken. I was reassured that this was probably due to an infection.

The final stage of the appointment ( you were right Jan , the process did feel like an X factor audition !) involved the initial Doctor summarising eventsand saying words to the effect that they were confident that there was nothing to be concerned about.

We left NGH feeling relieved and with an appointment for the results of the biopsy on 24th October. So life was finally back to normal for us both ...Steve just being annoyable Steve and me just being perfect me!! Lol x

So... why The 'Perfect' Boob?

A funny story really. 'Our' friend, Franco... inquisitive about my news, asked me "so, what about the perfect boob..?' After initial hysteria and suspicious looks from Steve (my fiancé) and Jo, (Franco's partner) we decided it was just his way of showing concern for the unaffected boob.

So whilst I will concentrate on telling you about my affected boob for a while, lets also spare a thought for my 'perfect' boob. Please join me in celebration as the clocks strike 12 on New Years Eve and make a toast my 'perfect' boob! And the many 'Franco-isms' that are yet to come!

By the way, this is the excellent Steve, me and the 'perfect' boob.
Ironically, this photo was taken at a Breast Cancer Awareness Ball.

As a friend often says, "it just happens"...

...and it has! I have breast cancer. I plan to thrash it with tenacity and dignity, in true 'Viv' style! I'm going to use this blog to put my story out there with the hope that you will all laugh and cry with me along the way, whilst I'm busy beating the pesky cell.