The news ?... I have cancer....
This time next year I will be reflecting on the year that I now have ahead of me …. one that I already know involves moving home and adapting to single life, starting work after a year of absence and undergoing further surgery. I wonder what my year will bring otherwise, and I am excited of the possibilities but equally as apprehensive.
So, I start this next year with only one very 'perfect boob', scars from surgery, flushes and weight gain from the Tamoxifen, a constant stream of 'snot' from the Herceptin, short wiry curling hair, random lost finger/toe nails and memory blanks…..apart from making me the catch of the century, these side effects are serving as a reminder that I'm still work in progress!…and I'm ok with that!
Whilst eternally optimistic I am not unaffected by the possibility that my cancer could come back, a reality that Booby Jo has already had to face. You may recall Booby Jo was a few weeks ahead of me in terms of treatment and it seems barely 3 months after her radiotherapy a local reoccurrence of her breast cancer has been diagnosed. Gutted!
It feels as if cancer is never really 'done with you'….. within the context of my own experiences, at its best it leaves you living with uncertainty and at worst; it returns and as a curve ball, the medications we are given such as Herceptin that may be saving us from the cancer, may also be damaging our hearts. This is another reality recently faced by my friend Mary, who now has to take medication as a precaution to combat the effects of Herceptin on her heart.
There is certainly nothing to take for granted, and I shan't, just that I will carry on mindfully.
I will of course make a particular mention of my Son and My DIL, whose love and support I have felt unconditionally……and my XMIL and XFIL, who have taken me under their wing and taught me that it is ok to be vulnerable without giving up the strong independent woman status that I am proud of.
x
I'm a couple of blog posts behind and I shall catch up with these, but this post will be one of reflection and will mark my eternal gratitude for all those that have been with me, in person, in belief and in thought. I simply could not have got through this year with out you .
My year?...very 'eventful'
I left the annihilation of the 'pesky cancer cells' reliably in the hands of the NHS and the team of professionals at NGH and I valiantly took all they could give me ….. A cancer diagnosis goes far beyond the 'physical' treatment and my blog posts over the last year has captured the 'fallout' in a story that unfortunately can be retold by many.
I left the annihilation of the 'pesky cancer cells' reliably in the hands of the NHS and the team of professionals at NGH and I valiantly took all they could give me ….. A cancer diagnosis goes far beyond the 'physical' treatment and my blog posts over the last year has captured the 'fallout' in a story that unfortunately can be retold by many.
In true Suzanne fashion, I consciously but unsuspectingly sought purpose and meaning to it all from the start, and this has led me on a number of exciting, terrifying and emotional adventures that has forced me on a journey of self discovery, which has confirmed the person I want to be…ME …just the best of 'me' and thats more than enough.
Whilst I am grateful of my discoveries, cancer would never have been the wake up call I would have chosen. I would much preferred to have remained cancer free and blissfully unaware, to forgo the insights and experiences of my year, and take my chances that with age and maturity, I would have reached the same understanding at some point in my life.
Alas, that isnot to be, and as my only reality, I am grateful and enriched by discoveries, which places me firmly in the driving seat of my life.
Whilst I am grateful of my discoveries, cancer would never have been the wake up call I would have chosen. I would much preferred to have remained cancer free and blissfully unaware, to forgo the insights and experiences of my year, and take my chances that with age and maturity, I would have reached the same understanding at some point in my life.
Alas, that isnot to be, and as my only reality, I am grateful and enriched by discoveries, which places me firmly in the driving seat of my life.
If I encapsulate all that I have learnt this year, during the highs and lows into one single message to you and my new and future self, it is to;
'Live your life deliberately'
American Author Henry David Thoreau, in his famous quote, captured the perfect words and essence of my message over a century before I was even born;
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| More about the quote |
….so not a new concept by all means, the 'message' can be seen out there, packaged differently, ever evolving for modern consumption in beliefs and practices such as 'mindfulness' , which seems to be emerging rapidly as modern day tool for managing emotions in order to achieve happiness and wellbeing for ourselves.
You will be pleased to know that I have not, nor am I about to 'live in the woods', or about to 'preach' on mindfulness … These are my ponderings…..The thing is, is that, I naively felt as if I was some sort of pioneer of this message!… so what happened? …. well…something so significant happened to me…cancer…. and I 'woke up'….the message was there all the time, and having been forced to face my own mortality, I started to take notice of life and decided I would live consciously……So…Yes, still a Pioneer but of my own destiny!
My blog has served me as a bench mark tool, an unintended consequence, and in perusing back through the posts, I am relieved to see evidence of living deliberately already. Living 'consciously' is not always easy, things were/are tough and at times I felt/feel lost, but reading back I can see that even through the breakdown of my relationship, the most painful part of my cancer story, I was always on a forward trajectory.... and still am.
You will be pleased to know that I have not, nor am I about to 'live in the woods', or about to 'preach' on mindfulness … These are my ponderings…..The thing is, is that, I naively felt as if I was some sort of pioneer of this message!… so what happened? …. well…something so significant happened to me…cancer…. and I 'woke up'….the message was there all the time, and having been forced to face my own mortality, I started to take notice of life and decided I would live consciously……So…Yes, still a Pioneer but of my own destiny!
My blog has served me as a bench mark tool, an unintended consequence, and in perusing back through the posts, I am relieved to see evidence of living deliberately already. Living 'consciously' is not always easy, things were/are tough and at times I felt/feel lost, but reading back I can see that even through the breakdown of my relationship, the most painful part of my cancer story, I was always on a forward trajectory.... and still am.
This time next year I will be reflecting on the year that I now have ahead of me …. one that I already know involves moving home and adapting to single life, starting work after a year of absence and undergoing further surgery. I wonder what my year will bring otherwise, and I am excited of the possibilities but equally as apprehensive.
So, I start this next year with only one very 'perfect boob', scars from surgery, flushes and weight gain from the Tamoxifen, a constant stream of 'snot' from the Herceptin, short wiry curling hair, random lost finger/toe nails and memory blanks…..apart from making me the catch of the century, these side effects are serving as a reminder that I'm still work in progress!…and I'm ok with that!
Whilst eternally optimistic I am not unaffected by the possibility that my cancer could come back, a reality that Booby Jo has already had to face. You may recall Booby Jo was a few weeks ahead of me in terms of treatment and it seems barely 3 months after her radiotherapy a local reoccurrence of her breast cancer has been diagnosed. Gutted!
It feels as if cancer is never really 'done with you'….. within the context of my own experiences, at its best it leaves you living with uncertainty and at worst; it returns and as a curve ball, the medications we are given such as Herceptin that may be saving us from the cancer, may also be damaging our hearts. This is another reality recently faced by my friend Mary, who now has to take medication as a precaution to combat the effects of Herceptin on her heart.
There is certainly nothing to take for granted, and I shan't, just that I will carry on mindfully.
You will know by now that I like to mark key mile stone moments in someway and today was no exception, for the occasion was marked by a celebratory lunch and catch up with my good friend Sue.
The celebrations will continue in a couple of weeks time with a night out with friends, including SAM aka Suzanne's Action Man.
So…. Sam an action man, was given to me a number of years ago, by friends Darrell and Gill at a time when I was single and travelling alone…Sam went on to accompany me on my holiday's, including Jamaica and Canada. Sam unfortunately took a back seat 5 years ago when Steve came on the scene, but has since re emerged to resume his rightful place by my side!! Sam even has his own FaceBook page and 18 friends Lol!
The celebrations will continue in a couple of weeks time with a night out with friends, including SAM aka Suzanne's Action Man.
Chamonix
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| Snowdon |
This year has been incredible in many ways, and in the most for the relationships, familial and otherwise that have developed and strengthened.
On this auspicious anniversary date, I raise my glass and make a toast to the family and friends that have been there for me and to all the blog visitors, who have inspired me to keep on blogging, something I have found cathartic.
On this auspicious anniversary date, I raise my glass and make a toast to the family and friends that have been there for me and to all the blog visitors, who have inspired me to keep on blogging, something I have found cathartic.
I will of course make a particular mention of my Son and My DIL, whose love and support I have felt unconditionally……and my XMIL and XFIL, who have taken me under their wing and taught me that it is ok to be vulnerable without giving up the strong independent woman status that I am proud of.
x
