It's that time of the year for me that inspires a pause for reflection …. The 24th October 2013, 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer, news that knocked the direction my life was taking out of the stratosphere and launched it, without ceremony, onto a course of self discovery and self fulfilment.
I look back and see this whole period of my life as a metamorphosis. The diagnosis and the initial cancer treatment was only the beginning, and I whooped that phase well into touch….. The last 2 years or so, I found the most difficult, where my energies were spent rebuilding my body and mind & my home and work life.
I left my story somewhat 'hanging' since my last posts, the truth is that fatigue, mind fog and doubts have distracted me from putting 'pen to paper' and writing the next instalment. On the run up to the anniversary of my diagnosis, I've had some prompting from friends and family, and even friends of friend's and friends of family' to provide an update!!!
I have found the interest in my ongoing story curious. Susan my SIL, recently explained that my blog was an honest and vulnerable account that affected and inspired people in many ways and of course there would be an interest in how things have turned out for me !
I'm ever humbled by the interest in my story even after 3 years and if it inspires in some way and people are interested, then I'm happy to share my experiences!
So in terms of a health update;
After the diep flap procedure, in December 2015, my energies concentrated on healing physically. I was off work for 12 weeks until the end of March 2016, and I felt like I had been run over by a bus for most of that time!
Gosh, I had missed my cleavage….and I was beyond excited with the results of my surgery…..…. To call it a 'boob job' undermines the physical ravages of breast cancer and does not represent at all the reality of reconstruction, never the less I was overjoyed at having some 'symmetry' back in my life!
Life without a boob, was wholly doable and besides some inconveniences and clothing practicalities there were few limitations for me. I'd come to terms with my 'wonky boobs' very early on in my cancer story, and the personal growth spurt I was experiencing, eased any downers I had about my physical appearance.
I always knew there would be a phase 2 of my reconstruction and that happened on 3rd June 2016, but not before an impromptu operation to remove my ovaries, an 'oophorectomy', 6 weeks earlier on 21st April 2016!
My ovaries succumbed to the effects of the chemo … and having had some 'scary' blood loss, the decision was made to remove them and so I was catapulted into a surgical menopause. It was never really my intention to have any more children, however the cruel effects of the chemo, took that control away from me and to be honest, for a moment I felt a little 'broken'…. I'm quite fulfilled with the Son and DIL that I have, so my ongoing thoughts about this are for the many women, denied the choice of family because of cancer treatments!
My experience of the menopause is not as nature intended. After the 'oophorectomy' procedure, my body just stopped producing oestrogen and what seems like over night , I was presented with its affects. The hot flashes, fatigue are an inconvenience and the weight increase, frankly annoying! Adapting is the key and managing the symptoms, particularly the propensity for the weight increase, has been high on my priority… I'm still finding my way.
So, Phase 2 of the reconstruction surgery involved creating a new nipple on my left boob, tidying the scars and lipo suction. The 'perfect boob' boob had a lil' lift too, to even up matters!
This was supposed to have been a day surgical procedure, however the anaesthetist mistakenly placed the cannula in my left arm and because I have no lymph nodes in that arm, this caused considerable swelling and I woke from the operation with my arm lifted in a sling and so I had an unplanned overnight stay in hospital, and later a diagnosis of Lymphedema
Mike Tyler was keen to achieve the best results and the operation took 4.5 hours, longer than expected and the results of phase 2 are fabulous. I remain heavily scarred, however Mr Tyler's awesomeness means that my scars are tidy and in keeping with the contours of my body.
I have quickly learnt to love the new me, and with Mr Tyler's skills , I feel confident that what I see in front of me is the very best of me and I feel quite proud of my pair of 'perfect boob's', despite the hairy recreated nipple lol!
So in terms of my work life;
The oophorectomy and Phase 2 of the reconstruction meant further time off work. I had been getting really 'fed up' with the surgical interruptions of 2015/16 and I was keen to get back to work as soon as possible after these recent ops. On reflection, I did not manage this well and I am declaring myself my own worst enemy!
I worked from home straight after the oophorectomy . This was against the advice of the nurses, however I had somehow managed to convince the Dr at the hospital that I could manage this …… This 'sort of' worked after the first op, and feeling confident that I could do it again , I totally went against Dr's orders after Phase 2, and tried to work from home before I was ready. Two surgeries within six weeks clearly took it's toll, both emotionally and physically.
I was clearly trying to recreate what once was, and bounce back at the pace I left behind pre diagnosis! This didn't work out as planned….. I have changed, the work 'climate' has changed and so I made some important decisions to reflect this.
It's crazy, given the perspective the cancer diagnosis gave me, that I prioritised work over health …something I vowed never to do and even advised against. I shall put this down to experience and give friends and family permission to 'slap' me if I do it again!
Anyway, the time was right for a change in direction and so I found myself a job and on 24th October 2016, exactly 3 years on from my diagnosis, I started this new work adventure.
Whilst he job is as equally demanding, the role is significantly less pressurised … and more importantly it is a role that stimulates me professionally and gives me more control over work life balance.
There 'is' more to the work story, but what is more important is that I have shaped my own path and now that there are no other operations ahead of me, I am out of 'professional limbo'.
It's taken 3 years to get to the point where it feels right in my work world.
And for my personal life;
I have experienced a great sense of peace living alone, following the relationship breakdown that occurred during the initial cancer treatment. I appreciated the time this gave me to 'hibernate' and heal emotionally and physically from the ordeals. My life has been pretty full on and there have been periods of isolation , sometimes self imposed, since the main treatments ended in July 2014.
When the medical interventions ended and the support receded, these were probably the 'wobbliest' of times where I doubted, and had fears for the future. It was a full 2 years post diagnosis that I sought support from my GP re my emotional health, when I struggled to manage a culmination of life demands, which was out of character for me.
Thankfully this phase was short lived and by February 2016, when 'Reuben', the most adorable Lhasa Apso puppy exploded into my life, I felt largely back on track. Having Reuben has been therapeutic, he is a true companion and clearly focuses my mind on what is right with my world.
The fear of a re occurrence of breast cancer, is about the only fear that is lingering , however there is no sign of cancer now and I certainly feel more detached from this fear as time goes on. I have never really been overwhelmed with this particular fear, but I am not going to let go of this fear totally. I am going to use this to keep me alert for signs and symptoms, and remind me that life is for living!
Any fears I had about being 'left on the shelf' and finding romance again have been totally unfounded. I was naturally cautious about how the physical changes of cancer would be received,as this had previously led to a painful rejection and a relationship breakdown. I shall keep my own counsel for now on the issue of romance, a lady never tells and all that, but suffice to say that I have dated some lovely suitors, and have literally been in 'demand' despite the spoils of the cancer war! Ha ha!
Body confidence has been an issue and I see this as working progress. It has been my growing sense of self awareness and self worth that has guided my choices in the dating world…. I'm probably more in tune with relationship compatibilities than I ever have been, and whether this is through age or cancer insight, this has attracted the right kind of people, and in fact one person in particular! I am involved in a fledgling romance and this is promising to be something quite special… I really do not want to jinx it by saying anything else …so watch this space!
So… that is all I really have to say for now….. I still have ongoing 6 monthly oncology reviews, lymphedema clinic appointments, yearly mammograms and Tamoxifen to look forward to !, however I feel very much over the main treatment hurdles and for the first time in 3 years, there are no pending cancer related interruptions in my life!
Writing this has served as a reminder on how far I have come and probably reads more overwhelming than it really was. There has been lots of changes, that isn't cancer, that is just life and what ever your troubles, have faith and hang on in there, It's working out for me. Little by little….its amazing what you can achieve!
