Project Boob - Take 2

I'm settling nicely into my 'new' normal, my home, my work and finally I'm pleased to be taking sometime to step back, catch my breath and reflect on recent 'medical' events. 

It's been nice in a way to have a main focus away from medical issues, however I have had a number of medical appointments during my house move and transition back to work, which have needed more attention than I was able to give them.…... but hey I survived to 'blog about' it lol …and that is just the reality for me right now… I'm absolutely shattered, however with the help of some rather excellent friends and family, I am withstanding the associated physical and emotional demands of a house move and return to work … What I have learnt, though,  is  how easy it has been to overlook my health needs, when faced with other life demands and know I will need to keep check on this going forward. I'm pleased to say that the physically demanding period is done with and I'm in an 'enchanted' nesting phase. 

I have found that 'The challenge of cancer does not automatically end when treatment finishes' (Article LINK). I can't just bounce back into my old self, and in composing my post treatment future, I know that the stability I'm securing in my life and my support networks are crucial to it's accolade , even if that stability is sought through making difficult  life changing decisions as I have done  ... Stability means different things to different people, for me it is attending to my basic needs and about the sense peace I have acquired from the direction I have chosen.... and this is what enables me to 'withstand' the challenges along the way!

Anyhow…. as for my medical news; I had been looking forward to my appointment with the plastic surgeon in Leicester for some time and I duly met with Dr Varma at Leicester Royal Infirmary on 12th November 2014, with my XMIL in tow! 

In my mind this appointment was the beginning of an exciting metamorphosis, where  I would be making decisions about my new boobs!….The reality was 'something else', but never the less, after some poking, prodding, weighing and measuring, I was given the 'verdict' and came away with the start of a plan for project Boob!

Dr Varma spoke to me about Diep Flap reconstruction. First and foremost he told me NOT to loose weight …..WTH…… I didn't expect that one!! It seems there' is NOT enough tummy skin and fat to create the same size boob there anyway…… Seriously I was sure there was plenty … but no, it seems the reconstructed boob, could be two sizes smaller than it used to be. I would then have wonky boobs until the reconstructed boob settled , and then my 'perfect boob' would be matched! 

When asked…….and ONLY WHEN I RAISED the issue of my  little pink unicorn tattoo on my knicker line,  did Dr Varma tell me that the tattoo would be transferred to the breast !!! That was said far too causally for my liking….. and I made no attempt to disguise my incredulity at the mere thought, as I set him a challenge to find an alternative way forward …as that clearly was NOT going to happen……!! Sorry my dear XMIL there will not be a 'Boobicorn' ! ha ha !

 I never imagined that this could REALLY happen when I joked  with friends before the appointment, that my tattoo could be transferred to my boob,  but it seems if I don't want this then I need to put weight ON  to create more skin and fat!…. GREAT!!!!!.... 

So I wasn't being facetious after all in a previous post; I literally AM 'harvestin'g' my boob on my belly ! Lol! 

I hadn't prepared myself for the possibility that my boobs may not be the same size as before, and I questioned the options…. I really didn't like hearing that my boobs would be smaller…. I'm sure thats not all really about the size…. just have to come to terms with that, if there is of course no other options and that is to be my reality? …… I will certainly be researching the choices I have before surrendering to the surgeon!! ha ha!

The talk of moving flesh from one part of my body to another was all pretty clinical, and I look forward to my boobs no longer  being the subject of such medical interests and being able to reclaim my body for my very self.  

I'm a little  'gutted'  to be honest, that I can't loose weight...but it's Doctors orders !!...  It just seems there  is to be another delay in recovering my body shape and fitness…… this #breast cancer lark has a lot to answer for… but hey…. work in progress….and progress I'm seeing! I'm still not fully in control, but very much in charge of the decisions that pave the way. 

There was discussion re the prophylactic (LINK) removal of ‘the perfect boob’,  however this depends on the outcome of genetic testing and I should know more about this in December 2014. 

So………..Dr Varma will not take matters further until  my Herceptin treatment is finished in March 2015, It seems that the drug affects healing and it would not be safe to proceed whilst I'm still taking it. I am keen to have the procedure done as soon as possible, but  I'm thankful that the reconstruction has been 'parked' for me because other aspects of my life need attention. 

The appointment didn't offer the promise I had set myself but I'm satisfied that there is a plan and I shall be doing my home work and making sure I attend the next appointment in March 2015 with a clear mind, free from distractions. 

My life  feels like it is one big project management exercize, all is clear to me what needs to be achieved, with no ambiguity  and all thats missing is the spreadsheet and the P. A!!… hold on… my XMIL already fulfils that criteria! 

Back to Work !

Woooo Hoooo!!! ......here I go !! My brain was launched well and truly into gear today on my first day back at work after 13 months!!

It's STILL uncertain where I'm to be based.... So the first week of my phased return involves 2 full days of Strengthening supervision training ....and I was pleased to have been met with some familiar faces when I arrived all keen and raring to go on the first day! 

I absolutely love training opportunities so a very good start for me, although by 2pm I was tiring and my concentration was wavering, so I was employing strategies to keep myself alert... But hey, that's to be expected and largely I seemed able to make 'intellectual' contributions to the days proceedings and  belie the times that I drifted off the planet! 

In fact it all just 'clicked nicely' into place and I easily slipped back into my 'professional mojo' and even though, I was not in an established place of work, it really felt as if I had never been away !!  YAY!

I'm pleased to say that I didn't need the bed, located in the training room for a disco nap, although I did learn that I had not lost the art of pursuasion, when I easily convinced Amelia, that she should pose for a photo on the bed for my blog, but omitting to tell her that it was because I was too embarrassed to pose on the bed myself! Ha ha !! 

My employers have been  really good in the sence that they have let me 'do what I needed to do'  with no undue pressure to return to work before I was well or ready. I'm not so sure they are as 'prepared' as they might have been for my return, causing me some level of anxiety, but today has allayed some of that! 

As per procedure, I had to undergo a work medical assessment and recommendations identified that I needed to be in a work environment free from stress !... That simply does not exist in my social work world which seems to be the subject of deliberations about my role and where I am to be based. 

I'm pleased that my employers are taking their duty of care seriously, however reading a report on ones limitations isn't comfortable.  I accept that there will be some temporary ones, due to the side effects of my treatment, but I simply do not recognise the person that is described in the report, it feels as if it is about someone else that has/had cancer, and I feel a degree of frustration that my constitution and resilience seem to have been over looked. 

Of course I know the report IS about me, that I have to come to terms with some limitations due to fatigue, poor concentration and memory , but it doesn't stop me feeling the way that I do,  seeking to assert control over my life and getting annoyed. But yes, I know my best chance is to pause, listen to others 'in the know' (eg Mandy and Wilkie) and taking care and tempering ones self to start with.... So that is what I shall do......for now! Lol! 

Today has been good one... and I'm on my merry way now, earning a living, working to live and making a difference in a career that I love. Sorted! 

Moving home, moving on

With the tenants FINALLY ( big sigh!) moved from my house on the 4th November, operation 'house move' stepped up a gear and last week was a flurry of activity!  

  Thank you Elaine for your help! 💗

The move was overdue, frustrated by delays with my tenants and affected us both.  Steve in making a head start on 'moving on', threw a climatical and rushed urgency on the move, but I'm pleased to say that having negotiated the clean up and move around several medical appointments we are free from the complicated, but at the time necessary arrangement.

Now time to move away from this part of my life with my head held high and some compassion for where Steve is on his own journey through life. 

We are  both  'on our way' with our fabulous friends and family helping us settle into our new 'normal' and our separate directions!

I'm grateful of our mutual friends, who have remained impartial, but never the less supportive of us both, and made this last 5 months certainly easier for me, as I have been recovering from treatment and planning life overhaul .

                                                        October 2013

November 2014

My home was not quite ready for me  when I moved on 9th November, so I'm spending QT with my big bro, Nick and Vanessa, my SIL for a week, when I shall be taking delivery and making 'essential' purchases of household basics.. all in time for the  next phase of 'life over haul', when I start back to work on 17th November 2014. YAY!

My bro's Nick and Chris (miss him) Vanessa and moi on the day I moved to my house the first time in 2006!

I've been 'officially' fit to return to work since 29th September, and I chose to take some leave due to my pending house move. It is still uncertain where I'm to return to, as there have been a number of changes at NCC since I stopped working, so more exciting revelations  to come!! YAY! 

I have felt quite empowered and never more certain of my direction, but it has probably not been hard to read between the lines and equally there have been times I have felt quite discouraged these last couple of weeks! 

As always,  I have found writting this blog post, in fact written in the days before I moved, recentering; taking me to a position of 'mindfulness' perspective, where it seems to allow my feelings to co exist nicely with my logic.

I happened upon a poem about 'listening' I wanted to share... and whilst not all the words are  necessarily relevant to my story, I have learnt from it's message, more significantly  in terms of my own communication with others, ( I'm a problem solver/fixer!) but also just in case you should meet me and catch me on a 'rambling' day lol!! 

Anyway... Time to get  the show on the road and get this 'party in my head' restarted! 💗