Of course the hard stuff is done with, and the daily reminder that I have cancer is not there, but I realise that the ongoing cancer treatment will probably dominate my plans and thoughts for a long time.
This will be hidden from most and that is good, I say , but I hope that I find patience, understanding and even humour, when people notice changes in me.... particularly my rather 'dipsy' behaviour and forgetfulness!! Ha ha! I won't be the only one out there experiencing emotional battles from some sort of hidden story...so 'note to self' to be compassionate and forgiving with those around me that test my patience!!
I can't say Cancer/treatment necessarily preoccupies my thoughts intensely, 'but it's always there'. I have found the topics of health 'preoccupations' have shifted through each stage of my treatment.
I have of course had to deal silmutaneously with the break up of my relationship and this has not been easy, but since the decision was made and people are aware, It has been a relief and I have been able to concentrate with full force, on my health and moving on.
It was always going to be difficult to write about the break up on my blog, in terms of affording respect for Steve's privacy. Ultimately this is part of MY ongoing story, shared from my own perspective, for my own therapeutic, cathartic purposes and void of unnecessary details and any malicious intent toward Steve, who is also going through life changes. I'm really pleased to say that we have mostly been working together well, in order to untangle our lives from each others.
Anyway , now ... I often find my self revisiting my prognosis and my general throughs are concerns of breast cancer 'reoccurrence'......... Saying that, I have reached a level of acceptance in terms of an uncertain future, and this has enabled me to focus my energies on decisions and actions that will fulfil my life.
I continue to allow my self 'some' private wobbly moments, because I do feel frightened about the potential for reoccurrence and missing out on things to come, particularly 'all things Danny and Dill'.....so it can be a relief to release some tears and pent up fears.
Now that I have had surgery, chemo, and radiotherapy, I ponder the question; 'am I still 'fighting cancer' or am I a 'survivor' yet'?.. Possibly to others I could be a survivor, however like I said 'it never leaves you', so may be in my world I will always be 'fighting it' ...the emotional fears at least.
If the cancer were to come back, I contemplate, how would I know. My cancer was not detected
through mammogram, ultra sound or MRI, so to rely on these is not a comfort to me. As such, my aim is to do all, within my power to reduce the chances of reoccurrence by eliminating unnecessary stress from my life, exercise, a good diet and generally looking after myself and turn the odds in my favour.
Anyway... My thoughts drifted a bit there...so back to the Herceptin ; I had a different the Health Care at Home nurse this time called Natalie.
After some polite introductions, down came my trousers, away went my dignity and in went the needle in my thigh ...as usual this was just a sharp prick, followed by 'THE STING' and some 'face contorting , eye popping, intake of break' moments ...as the Herceptin was administered!!.
The process took 5 minutes and I was glad that Natalie let me distract myself with taking a picture for my blog!!! Ha ha !
Natalie spent the following two hours talking with me non stop, whilst watching me iron my
clothes for my trip to Spain to visit family. (More about this in my next blog)
My Radiotherapy treatment day's are well behind me...but the effects have continued .... The treatment immediately sent the treated area slightly discoloured. They used a rectangle jelly pad during treatment to draw out the radiation to the surface, and the discolouration is defined to the neat rectangle shape left by this pad.
A couple of days ago, about 12 days after the last treatment, nasty 'sun burn' type patches developed in my arm pit area and a couple of other areas. The skin luckily has not broken.There is also a swollen, tight numbness sensation, but I have not needed any pain killers. So, all is still very doable and you wouldn't know about this from looking at me unless of course you asked!
I am also 12 days into my Tamoxifen treatment. Initially I had an unsettled tummy with some short
lived diarrhoea ,.....Probably too much info ... Ha Ha! but I'm going for an informative style in this post!! I don't feel as hungry either and there is feeling of bloatedness... I'm told these symptoms subside and others may surface as Tamoxifen is an anti-oestrogen drug and induces menopause type symptoms.
Weight gain is a concern for me and is common in ladies undergoing breast cancer treatments due to the effects on hormones in the body. I have put on about 8lb since I was diagnosed and I was carrying a little unwanted weight before then. It's not necessarily the weight, it's the loss of body muscle tone that I lament! I was quite active and went to the gym regularly before I was diagnosed and I'm hoping now that I am more active this will help get me back to a weight and tone I am happy with.
The Tamoxifen symptoms will make this more of a challenge, however a healthy weight and excersize has been researched and documented as reducing chances of developing/reoccurrence of cancer so a little 'obsession' with weight is justified!
I'm all done with the treatment talk, but I'm excited to say that, my new 'The Perfect Boob' website is taking shape nicely and I hope to share this with you soon.
I was also very surprised and delighted that the very lovely Ben Sheppard responded to a Tweet about my blog following the Lorraine show;
"Great blog really lovely to meet you glad you enjoyed it all"
Yay!!
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